Despite the smile I often wear on my face, a heaviness surrounds my soul these last few months, unlike anything I’ve ever felt before.

It’s weight sits on my shoulders and smothers my chest, threatening to grip my lungs so tightly it may steal my breath. 

I almost lost two of the most important people in my life this year. But I didn’t. They are both healed and I have full confidence in their healing. 

The heaviness doesn’t stem from conscious thought or rationality, it stems from symptoms of panic and hypervigilance because my brain and body went through those motions all day, every day for months with no end in sight. So until I retrain my unconscious mind, panic is quickly triggered in situations that feel all too familiar.

I know God can heal me in an instant, just like He healed Emma, once she surrendered to Him. So I’m realizing it’s time for me to seek His healing for me too. It may be an instant or it may be years, but that’s ok. I trust the author of my story.

I’m only just beginning to truly process many of the events of this year. My daughter needed 100% of my attention and still needs a majority of it, as we continue to work through her other health issues. 

But I realize just how therapeutic writing is for me, and it’s some thing I can do in the nooks and crannies of my time, so I will continue. 

My hope is also for my words to be sent out in just the direction that they will land in front of another who needs to read them too.

“The worst thing you can do with fear and anxiety is pretend you are strong and don’t have it” – Matt Chandler. 

If you read this far, I think it’s no accident and this may be your “sign” it’s OK to feel weak and vulnerable today too. It’s in our weakness that God‘s strength shines through!

This is also your reminder that joy and pain can coexist. So though you may be carrying both, don’t be afraid to share your smile when you have it 😊 You never know when God will use it to soften the raw edges of someone else’s pain.